A journey of a thousand miles...

...begins with a single step. Taking that first step seems monumental when the journey feels so long. I need to lose 60, 70, 80 pounds and that seems like a mountain way too hard to climb. Getting here was pretty easy, well upon thinking of it, it wasn't that easy. I started many diets, followed them for weeks or months, then fell off the wagon, lost some weight and gained some more back. It's crazy but it was a lot of hard work getting fat. Seems like it would have been a matter of pigging out all the time without any thought of what I was eating, sitting around being lazy, just not giving a damn what I was doing. But it really wasn't that simple at all. I thought about it every single day, EVERY DAY, for years. I worried about every single thing I put in my mouth, I gave in to things I shouldn't eat but I did worry about it. It was not a matter of just being lazy, not one bit. It took an extreme amount of effort, worry, studying, stressing, to get here. So, to take the journey to "normal" I need to take the first step, a single step, but in what direction? I have tried Weight Watchers many times, Jenny Craig, Nutri System, Herbalife, Slim Fast, grapefruit, no "whites", Atkins, diet pills... the list doesn't end, I have tried it all and each time I have had limited success and instant extra pounds. I have dieted myself fat so I don't believe dieting is the answer, but what is??? I feel so guilty when I eat, even if it is "good" foods, it's like I don't deserve to eat because I am so fat and I must have been a pig to get here. I must be defective in some kind of way and I don't know why. It's like I am being punished for something but I don't know what. Being a normal weight should not be this hard, it should not be the something I think about every single day, it should just "be". I just want to be normal, be able to buy clothes that actually fit, to feel like I can go anywhere and not be self-conscious. I was hoping there was an answer in my blood work as to why this is happening and it was all pretty much normal. No thyroid to blame it on, no cortisol, no estrogen dominance, NOTHING! It is just me, all my fault, did it to myself. I am so ashamed, I really am. I do not know how to take that first step because I am afraid to fail once again, I can normally do anything I set my mind to do but not this. I need an answer, I need help, I need to make it happen. Where to I go, what do I do??? I look in the mirror for answers and all I can see is a long, long journey ahead for me. I am afraid, afraid I will never succeed. I do not want to stay this way, I really want to shed these extra pounds for good. If I am being punished for something I feel my sentence has been paid, I have suffered with this long enough. Step one....try to take step two.