A journey of a thousand miles...

...begins with a single step. Taking that first step seems monumental when the journey feels so long. I need to lose 60, 70, 80 pounds and that seems like a mountain way too hard to climb. Getting here was pretty easy, well upon thinking of it, it wasn't that easy. I started many diets, followed them for weeks or months, then fell off the wagon, lost some weight and gained some more back. It's crazy but it was a lot of hard work getting fat. Seems like it would have been a matter of pigging out all the time without any thought of what I was eating, sitting around being lazy, just not giving a damn what I was doing. But it really wasn't that simple at all. I thought about it every single day, EVERY DAY, for years. I worried about every single thing I put in my mouth, I gave in to things I shouldn't eat but I did worry about it. It was not a matter of just being lazy, not one bit. It took an extreme amount of effort, worry, studying, stressing, to get here. So, to take the journey to "normal" I need to take the first step, a single step, but in what direction? I have tried Weight Watchers many times, Jenny Craig, Nutri System, Herbalife, Slim Fast, grapefruit, no "whites", Atkins, diet pills... the list doesn't end, I have tried it all and each time I have had limited success and instant extra pounds. I have dieted myself fat so I don't believe dieting is the answer, but what is??? I feel so guilty when I eat, even if it is "good" foods, it's like I don't deserve to eat because I am so fat and I must have been a pig to get here. I must be defective in some kind of way and I don't know why. It's like I am being punished for something but I don't know what. Being a normal weight should not be this hard, it should not be the something I think about every single day, it should just "be". I just want to be normal, be able to buy clothes that actually fit, to feel like I can go anywhere and not be self-conscious. I was hoping there was an answer in my blood work as to why this is happening and it was all pretty much normal. No thyroid to blame it on, no cortisol, no estrogen dominance, NOTHING! It is just me, all my fault, did it to myself. I am so ashamed, I really am. I do not know how to take that first step because I am afraid to fail once again, I can normally do anything I set my mind to do but not this. I need an answer, I need help, I need to make it happen. Where to I go, what do I do??? I look in the mirror for answers and all I can see is a long, long journey ahead for me. I am afraid, afraid I will never succeed. I do not want to stay this way, I really want to shed these extra pounds for good. If I am being punished for something I feel my sentence has been paid, I have suffered with this long enough. Step one....try to take step two.

Here a blog, there a blog, everywhere a blog blog

Blog, blog, blog. Why do I want to blog??? Well, I have thought about blogging for a while because I think a lot. I have random thoughts about random things, a lot. I thought about writing in a book about things I think about but it seems like someone is always around when I want to write and it makes me self-conscious about writing and leaving my thoughts laying around. This is, in a way, anonymous (except for you sister) so I can write away without editing what I am thinking, for the most part anyway. I like typing because I can rant away then go back and edit what I wrote. It's out there without being out there, make sense?? It's a little harder with a pen and a book to erase what you have written. The other great thing is when you finish writing you can hit "publish post" and it goes out into the universe. Wow, it's like the Secret, sending things out into the universe. I used to take pages of things I wrote and have a burning ceremony to do that (when I was alone-which is rare), I felt like that sent the thoughts out there to disappear in the universe. I feel the same way with the blog, poof it's gone. Another great thing is you don't really know where your thoughts will take you, you just get an idea for a topic and type away and sometimes things fly off the keyboard that you didn't even know you were thinking, awesome! Sometimes insightful things, those little "oh, I never thought about it that way" kind of moments. So, that's why I am doing it, looking for the keys to that little Mimo side of me, if I keep writing about my thoughts and send them out into the universe maybe I will get there. Seems like a plan and I don't make many plans! It's good to have a plan sometimes.

I had a dream

I had a dream when I was a young girl, I dreamed of being Miss America and having a beautiful wedding in the biggest, laciest, whitest, wedding dress imaginable. I dreamed of walking down the isle in this big dress with this long veil to marry Prince Charming and we would live happily ever after. My first disappointment came when I realized I was not Miss America material. I had crooked teeth, a hump in my nose, no talent, and didn't have the money for the formal wear! And I certainly wouldn't have known how to answer all those questions. Actually it was Dad that informed me of this lack of Miss America material. I had no idea that I wasn't qualified, no way. I dreamed of being crowned and waving to the adoring crowd, I was Miss America, the most beautiful girl in the USA! Ha, I liked that dream. Wasn't to be though.

So after that disappointment I still had the dream of the big wedding I might be able to pull off, I could do THAT! Well, once I realized we were poor I started worrying about the type of boys I could date because of the wedding issue. I realized that the parents of the girls always paid for the wedding and I knew my parents didn't have any money so I knew I couldn't marry a rich boy. Dating Michael really made me worry about that prospect. I really liked him at the time and thought maybe we would get married one day even though I am sure his family worked hard on him to let him know that it wouldn't be a good idea to marry a poor girl. I thought if they liked me for me then it would be ok but they never did warm up to me, not at least back then. I did worry though that if he were to ask anyway that my parents wouldn't be able to afford a wedding, especially not the kind of wedding that his family would think worthy of their son (not to mention my dream wedding). It was stressful. Thankfully that didn't work out, so I guess it was a blessing(one I am grateful for). I didn't set my sights so high the next time around and I got what I wished for. I did find someone who's economic status was pretty similar to mine but he wasn't right for me. In the beginning I thought he was perfect but it didn't take long to realize he wasn't, I knew it but didn't listen to myself. I was getting older and you just didn't go past 21 and not get married (at least that is what I thought at the time). I absolutely figured my time was running out and no one would ever want to marry me so if he ever asked I was going to say yes! I always dreamed of that wedding and being married to my Prince and time was running out for me. How times have changed. He eventually did ask, not before lots of disappointment, and I said yes because I needed to be married and anyone was better than no-one. So we got married but I still didn't get the big wedding I wanted. I have to laugh because being married in a trailer park was a long way from the wedding of my dreams. I sold a ring another boy gave me to pay for my flowers and cake and Mom paid for my dress. Dad, he stayed out of it. So I had a wedding fitting for a poor girl, I married a frog in a trailer park! I knew right away it wasn't going to work but that is a whole other story. I had a dream.......it didn't come true.

I was born a poor black child...

Well, it seems that way! We were poor I suppose but not really black. My dad used to kid me when I got very tan in the summer and say I was a black child so in a way I was a poor black child but I didn't really know we were poor. I didn't know what poor actually was. I knew that my parents fussed about money some times but that was only a concept I didn't understand, we had some hard times but mom tried her best not to let us know just how hard. Food was slim sometimes but we always had something to eat. So, poor as we were, we kids didn't actually know we were poor until.... high school. I was totally oblivious to being poor until then and I think that was the beginning of the poor self esteem issue for me. I had never been judged on where I lived, what I wore, or how much food was in the refrigerator until then. I did not know other people lived differently than we did. My parents didn't prepare us for that bit of news. I thought everyone was the same, I really did. I am not sure exactly when I started to figure it out, maybe when I went to my friend Chris's house when I was 15, that is probably the first time I was aware people lived in big houses! I still remember driving up the street and seeing this HUGE mansion at the end of the road and saying something like OMG that house is huge, then they told me it was their house. What a shock! I got to go there!!! But, these people were very nice to me, they didn't make me feel like I didn't belong and so I still didn't get it. The first time I got it was when Michaels parents took me out on their boat and that evening Michael wanted them to take me to the Country Club for dinner and his mother said (right in front of me) that I wasn't dressed appropriately to go there. Now this was the first time I had even heard of a Country Club and being country I didn't see the big deal! Dumb me! That was the beginning of my realization that I was different, I was not good enough to be in this particular environment, this Country Club club. That is the first time I had to look at myself and wonder what was wrong with me, I didn't know I wasn't ok, and I certainly didn't know how to fix it. That was the beginning of my self image being chipped away. While they started it, Larry Bring fueled the fire, nicely I might add. It wasn't my childhood so much as it was the beginning of my adulthood that made me doubt myself and form my "not good enough" mentality. Now I have to say that dad did some work on it too, but what he started they finished. So, I have come to realize that it's my self-image I need to work on. That person in the mirror I can't quite get in touch with, at least I know where to start. I am good enough!

What your eyes cant see...

Do you realize that you can never truly see yourself? You can look in the mirror to see your face, your eyes, your body but it is only a reflection. You can never actually "see" your self. You can stare into the reflection of your eyes but will never be able to look into your eyes and see what is really there. You can never see all the nuances of your face because you can only see what the mirror reflects, same with your body. It would be interesting to be outside of yourself so you could look and see what other people see...how you look, how you act, how you laugh, how your eyes speak...being a twin would be the closest you could actually come to that I believe. I wonder what I would think of me if I was someone else looking at me. I think we often wonder that and I believe that is what drives our actions. Being so afraid of how we are perceived can sometimes keep us from truly living a free life, we hide so much of ourselves, cover so much of ourselves. I wonder if gaining weight is another form of covering up what we fear people will see if they could really see us? It allows us to avoid so many things that makes us so fearful, so afraid of being judged, so afraid of being vulnerable. What is the worse that could happen if we could feel good in our skin, whether we can actually see it or not? I am not afraid of being judged by others, but of being judged by myself, and it can be hurtful. So many times a day kicking myself for not being what I think I am supposed to be, for not doing what I should be doing, for not being perfect. That's a big burden I put on myself and I don't know how to be free from it. Do I blame my parents for ripping my self esteem from my very soul? My former husband? Teachers, friends,kids from school, neighbors, uncles, aunts, cousins??? It's all there isn't it? I let it happen for I was not strong enough to realize that they had no power over me, I let each and every word tear a little bit of who I am away from me. So, I blame myself and that makes me sad because it could have been avoided. I should have let myself be free ages ago. So now I don't worry so much about what others think or say but there is still a hole and I don't know how to fill it up. So does that mean I am still "Comfortably Numb"? I thought I was past that but maybe not completely. I need to say "thank you for all the lessons" to everyone that contributed to "me" but let go of all the hurt left behind. I don't need it anymore, it's not who I am. I'm not a kid anymore, time to move on and just let it be. Maybe I lied, maybe I do fear what other people think. What a shame.

Be Yourself

How does it feel
When life doesn't seem real
And you're floating about on your own
Your life seems uncertain
So you draw the curtain
Pretending there's nobody home
Don't theorize
Look in your eyes
They can't tell lies
Though you may disguise what you see
The mirror is free
Be yourself
Be yourself
Then you can free yourself
Free yourself
See yourself
Then you can see yourself
Come on and see yourself

Still looking...Happy 55th!

Wearing the inside out....

Oh Pink Floyd, what were you saying? My mind wonders inward and the words bring me to a place I hate to admit I have landed, by choice? by action? by something outside myself? I wonder....I should just accept the blame and realize I have done this to myself but I feel like a victim of circumstances outside of my control. My "self" is not what I believe it should be, I can hardly recognize what I see when I look into the mirror. What happened?? It seems like everything changed overnight but I realize it has been this way for nearly 30 years. I made a mistake when I was young and thin, I went on a diet. I thought I was fat, my husband treated me like I was fat, I believed it but it wasn't a fact. I was actually thin, perfect really, but I could not see it so I began what was to become 3 decades of trying to be really perfect but it never happened. As I thought about being fat and worked so hard not to be fat my greatest fear happened, it happened, I became the fat person I thought I was. Now it is no longer a figment of my imagination, it is a reality, and unhealthy reality. I no longer want to go places and do things that I loved doing because I don't like the way I look or can't find clothes that fit. My life has become mundane, reclusive, uneventful, unfulfilling.... all the things I was trying to avoid. And now, here I am, so unhappy with it and not knowing how to undo all the years of damage I caused by dieting. Mimo doesn't diet, she goes out and visits friends, she hangs out at the beach and wears cute clothes. How I wish I was Mimo!