A journey of a thousand miles...

...begins with a single step. Taking that first step seems monumental when the journey feels so long. I need to lose 60, 70, 80 pounds and that seems like a mountain way too hard to climb. Getting here was pretty easy, well upon thinking of it, it wasn't that easy. I started many diets, followed them for weeks or months, then fell off the wagon, lost some weight and gained some more back. It's crazy but it was a lot of hard work getting fat. Seems like it would have been a matter of pigging out all the time without any thought of what I was eating, sitting around being lazy, just not giving a damn what I was doing. But it really wasn't that simple at all. I thought about it every single day, EVERY DAY, for years. I worried about every single thing I put in my mouth, I gave in to things I shouldn't eat but I did worry about it. It was not a matter of just being lazy, not one bit. It took an extreme amount of effort, worry, studying, stressing, to get here. So, to take the journey to "normal" I need to take the first step, a single step, but in what direction? I have tried Weight Watchers many times, Jenny Craig, Nutri System, Herbalife, Slim Fast, grapefruit, no "whites", Atkins, diet pills... the list doesn't end, I have tried it all and each time I have had limited success and instant extra pounds. I have dieted myself fat so I don't believe dieting is the answer, but what is??? I feel so guilty when I eat, even if it is "good" foods, it's like I don't deserve to eat because I am so fat and I must have been a pig to get here. I must be defective in some kind of way and I don't know why. It's like I am being punished for something but I don't know what. Being a normal weight should not be this hard, it should not be the something I think about every single day, it should just "be". I just want to be normal, be able to buy clothes that actually fit, to feel like I can go anywhere and not be self-conscious. I was hoping there was an answer in my blood work as to why this is happening and it was all pretty much normal. No thyroid to blame it on, no cortisol, no estrogen dominance, NOTHING! It is just me, all my fault, did it to myself. I am so ashamed, I really am. I do not know how to take that first step because I am afraid to fail once again, I can normally do anything I set my mind to do but not this. I need an answer, I need help, I need to make it happen. Where to I go, what do I do??? I look in the mirror for answers and all I can see is a long, long journey ahead for me. I am afraid, afraid I will never succeed. I do not want to stay this way, I really want to shed these extra pounds for good. If I am being punished for something I feel my sentence has been paid, I have suffered with this long enough. Step one....try to take step two.

Here a blog, there a blog, everywhere a blog blog

Blog, blog, blog. Why do I want to blog??? Well, I have thought about blogging for a while because I think a lot. I have random thoughts about random things, a lot. I thought about writing in a book about things I think about but it seems like someone is always around when I want to write and it makes me self-conscious about writing and leaving my thoughts laying around. This is, in a way, anonymous (except for you sister) so I can write away without editing what I am thinking, for the most part anyway. I like typing because I can rant away then go back and edit what I wrote. It's out there without being out there, make sense?? It's a little harder with a pen and a book to erase what you have written. The other great thing is when you finish writing you can hit "publish post" and it goes out into the universe. Wow, it's like the Secret, sending things out into the universe. I used to take pages of things I wrote and have a burning ceremony to do that (when I was alone-which is rare), I felt like that sent the thoughts out there to disappear in the universe. I feel the same way with the blog, poof it's gone. Another great thing is you don't really know where your thoughts will take you, you just get an idea for a topic and type away and sometimes things fly off the keyboard that you didn't even know you were thinking, awesome! Sometimes insightful things, those little "oh, I never thought about it that way" kind of moments. So, that's why I am doing it, looking for the keys to that little Mimo side of me, if I keep writing about my thoughts and send them out into the universe maybe I will get there. Seems like a plan and I don't make many plans! It's good to have a plan sometimes.