21 days....

Starting June 2, 2010:

Be positive
No talking about the past
Let go
Clear clutter
Journal

It has been a long time since I've made a real decision to put myself first so I can find what exactly makes me feel "joy" as Kathy says. I couldn't tell you the last time I felt that for any length of time. I've had joyful days, even joyful weeks (like when I was on vacation in England), but eventually I come back to reality and get into this rut that drains my energy, my enthusiasm, my desire to do anything remotely productive. I sit in my little hole of an office with no windows dreaming of being somewhere where the water meets the sand and daydream away my life. It's like ground hog day, every day is exactly the same as the day before. I think eating is my way of doing something different, what exciting can I eat today??? What goodie can I eat that makes me feel happy??? But it only works temporarily then I feel bad because I was trying to feel good. And it does feel good, the sweetness and coolness of my ice cream, the sugar thrill from the donut, the crunchy goodness of my cheese crackers, yum, I could eat them all day long if it wouldn't make me sick. But it does make me sick and I hate that it makes me sick because I like feeling the goodness of eating this sick stuff. Does that make me a sick person?? Not really, it makes me a person that needs something she isn't getting, which may be something as simple as time to walk on the beach, quiet to read a good book, doing something that makes me feel like I am fulfilling some purpose on this earth. Having friends, and really wanting to have friends, being sociable and not forcing myself to go to weddings and events (usually skipping them), being a part of life not just existing.

So, today, day one of my 21 day journey with my sister, day one in finding out what makes me feel good about me, day one of putting myself first. It's a journey that won't end in 21 days but hopefully a journey that will begin what is a life of joy.

Shine on you crazy diamond.