Letting go.....

I have been watching a show about hoarders lately and it made me wonder what psychological imbalance made people want to collect and hang on to things so much that they couldn't live a normal life. The hoarding kept them from being able physically and emotionally do the things that they really wanted to do but they just couldn't control this behavior. It caused them so much pain to let go of the smallest thing and the anxiety was unbearable for them. What really drives this behavior? It is so disturbing that it made me want to get rid of everything in my house that I had kept for years and haven't used. I imagine I would have the tendency to hoard things if I was left unchecked, I can tell by the clothes I have that are going on 20 years old. I just can't let go of them just in case I may be able to wear them one day. Thing is I never seem to be able to get my weight to the point where I can wear any of these clothes (needless to say they are smaller sizes). I realized after thinking about all of this for a few days that I actually do hoard but in a way so different than I could have imagined and it is the reason why I am not able to lose weight. I am adding pounds to my body that I do not need, I have way too many, much more than I have ever had but I cannot seem to let go of them. I know if I eat less and exercise more they will go away, but I wont do that. If I do lose a few pounds I get anxious and start eating to the point of gaining all the pounds back plus a few for good measure. What is driving that behavior??? What am I afraid of if I lose the excess weight?? I say I want to be thinner or "normal" and I know what I need to do to get there but I can't seem to let go of it, like I need it for something, or will need it for something later. I am not afraid of the things that would have affected me as a child, I know I won't go hungry, I know men can't bother me, I know I am safe.... so what???? Maybe what I know and what I feel aren't the same thing, maybe I don't feel I will never go hungry, maybe I don't feel I am safe, maybe I don't feel men can't bother me, maybe I feel something I can not articulate, maybe I feel fear, feel insecure, feel vulnerable, feel like I have no control over my life and the weight is a symbol of all that I feel. So, how do you let go? How do you let go of all the things that keep you from living the life you want? If I can let go of all the things that hold me back then I can possibly let in all the good things waiting for me.

A Walk on the Beach

I took a walk down the beach yesterday with my sister and mother but it was more than just a walk on the beach, it was a walk down memory lane. It had been years since I stepped foot on this particular beach and I wasn't prepared for the tide of emotions that swelled up in me. I spent many days for many years visiting Jax Beach, it wasn't the coolest beach in Florida but it was our beach. We would throw on our bikinis and a shirt and head out for the day. It was our life, and I didn't realize then what an important part of our life it was. Just feeling that sand beneath my feet and remembering all the times I had walked in that sand made me feel like I had gone a long way from where I thought I would be 40 years later. That isn't totally true, I didn't think about being 40 years older, I thought I would always be young. I would see older people at the beach and feel sorry for them because they had lost their youth. Now it's me, I am the older person, my youth gone forever. In some ways things have turned out much better than I would have imagined and in other ways much worse. Gone is the bikini body, way way gone and that made me sad. Not because I want to be able to wear one I just want to be the best I can possibly be for my age, I always thought I would age well (getting old was for other people). I realize that I am not being my best and I am very disappointed in myself for that. It should be important to me, it is important to me and I realize that more now than I have in a long time. I feel I don't know how to find my best self and that scares me. I felt just a slight glimpse of happiness there at the beach and I know that is what I want to feel all the time. I felt like I left part of myself right there at the beach and that I would be able to find my best self there, walking on the beach, where I had walked so many years ago.