A Walk on the Beach

I took a walk down the beach yesterday with my sister and mother but it was more than just a walk on the beach, it was a walk down memory lane. It had been years since I stepped foot on this particular beach and I wasn't prepared for the tide of emotions that swelled up in me. I spent many days for many years visiting Jax Beach, it wasn't the coolest beach in Florida but it was our beach. We would throw on our bikinis and a shirt and head out for the day. It was our life, and I didn't realize then what an important part of our life it was. Just feeling that sand beneath my feet and remembering all the times I had walked in that sand made me feel like I had gone a long way from where I thought I would be 40 years later. That isn't totally true, I didn't think about being 40 years older, I thought I would always be young. I would see older people at the beach and feel sorry for them because they had lost their youth. Now it's me, I am the older person, my youth gone forever. In some ways things have turned out much better than I would have imagined and in other ways much worse. Gone is the bikini body, way way gone and that made me sad. Not because I want to be able to wear one I just want to be the best I can possibly be for my age, I always thought I would age well (getting old was for other people). I realize that I am not being my best and I am very disappointed in myself for that. It should be important to me, it is important to me and I realize that more now than I have in a long time. I feel I don't know how to find my best self and that scares me. I felt just a slight glimpse of happiness there at the beach and I know that is what I want to feel all the time. I felt like I left part of myself right there at the beach and that I would be able to find my best self there, walking on the beach, where I had walked so many years ago.