Wearing the inside out....

Oh Pink Floyd, what were you saying? My mind wonders inward and the words bring me to a place I hate to admit I have landed, by choice? by action? by something outside myself? I wonder....I should just accept the blame and realize I have done this to myself but I feel like a victim of circumstances outside of my control. My "self" is not what I believe it should be, I can hardly recognize what I see when I look into the mirror. What happened?? It seems like everything changed overnight but I realize it has been this way for nearly 30 years. I made a mistake when I was young and thin, I went on a diet. I thought I was fat, my husband treated me like I was fat, I believed it but it wasn't a fact. I was actually thin, perfect really, but I could not see it so I began what was to become 3 decades of trying to be really perfect but it never happened. As I thought about being fat and worked so hard not to be fat my greatest fear happened, it happened, I became the fat person I thought I was. Now it is no longer a figment of my imagination, it is a reality, and unhealthy reality. I no longer want to go places and do things that I loved doing because I don't like the way I look or can't find clothes that fit. My life has become mundane, reclusive, uneventful, unfulfilling.... all the things I was trying to avoid. And now, here I am, so unhappy with it and not knowing how to undo all the years of damage I caused by dieting. Mimo doesn't diet, she goes out and visits friends, she hangs out at the beach and wears cute clothes. How I wish I was Mimo!