What your eyes cant see...

Do you realize that you can never truly see yourself? You can look in the mirror to see your face, your eyes, your body but it is only a reflection. You can never actually "see" your self. You can stare into the reflection of your eyes but will never be able to look into your eyes and see what is really there. You can never see all the nuances of your face because you can only see what the mirror reflects, same with your body. It would be interesting to be outside of yourself so you could look and see what other people see...how you look, how you act, how you laugh, how your eyes speak...being a twin would be the closest you could actually come to that I believe. I wonder what I would think of me if I was someone else looking at me. I think we often wonder that and I believe that is what drives our actions. Being so afraid of how we are perceived can sometimes keep us from truly living a free life, we hide so much of ourselves, cover so much of ourselves. I wonder if gaining weight is another form of covering up what we fear people will see if they could really see us? It allows us to avoid so many things that makes us so fearful, so afraid of being judged, so afraid of being vulnerable. What is the worse that could happen if we could feel good in our skin, whether we can actually see it or not? I am not afraid of being judged by others, but of being judged by myself, and it can be hurtful. So many times a day kicking myself for not being what I think I am supposed to be, for not doing what I should be doing, for not being perfect. That's a big burden I put on myself and I don't know how to be free from it. Do I blame my parents for ripping my self esteem from my very soul? My former husband? Teachers, friends,kids from school, neighbors, uncles, aunts, cousins??? It's all there isn't it? I let it happen for I was not strong enough to realize that they had no power over me, I let each and every word tear a little bit of who I am away from me. So, I blame myself and that makes me sad because it could have been avoided. I should have let myself be free ages ago. So now I don't worry so much about what others think or say but there is still a hole and I don't know how to fill it up. So does that mean I am still "Comfortably Numb"? I thought I was past that but maybe not completely. I need to say "thank you for all the lessons" to everyone that contributed to "me" but let go of all the hurt left behind. I don't need it anymore, it's not who I am. I'm not a kid anymore, time to move on and just let it be. Maybe I lied, maybe I do fear what other people think. What a shame.